Some More Thoughts

This is part of an e-mail from Erika, one of several who came to visit Faith Alive in January/February; adding more to the conversation concerning balance:

“I'm wrestling with some of the same things, and here's where I am today. It's so okay to not be perfect, but to take steps toward improving. Example: I don't want to be a total environmentalist -- but I will make sure to use less paper. I don’t want to be a self-sacrificing fanatic by selling all my stuff and not having anything for myself -- but I will try to balance that so when I indulge in a luxury that I'll spend the same amount of time and money for others...does that make sense? I think there's almost a self-righteousness, even a sinful nature, to trying to do everything right. That said, we're not called to stop at that thought and not try to do anything right. I'm praying for God to continue to reveal what's mine to do, and what's not. What's mine to give away, and what's mine to enjoy. Just on a daily basis, situation by situation. I don't want to get trapped in something like 'survivors guilt' -- or being a rich American while others are starving sort of guilt paralysis. After all, what we do or don't do for others isn't going to make a big dent in the world -- God's primary care is that we stay in close relationship with Jesus, right? Anyway, just some of my ramblings..."

Mother Teresa

"We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with great love." She also said: "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

Exposed

Just for the record, I don’t feel super comfortable sharing some of my inner most thoughts with heaven knows how many people. And yet something inside me says to do it anyways. So here goes…

I was listening to this great song by Nichole Nordeman called “Brave” this morning. Here are a few of my favorite lines:

The gate is wide
The road is paved to moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
It's safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been
Cuz it's been fear
That ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love
That cuts the strings
So long, status quo
I think I've just let go
You make me wanna be brave
The way it always was
It's no longer good enough
You make me wanna be brave
I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
To say Your name
Just Your name, and I'm ready to go
Even ready to fall

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve blasted this song, windows down, singing at the top of my lungs. There’s something that rings so true; there’s a recognition of how easy it is to blend in. And at the same time there is a realization that things can be different. I need only step outside the crowd and say, I don’t want to go along with it any more. I want to be brave. And yet like most things, it’s easier said than done.

A couple lines from another favorite by Relient K entitled, “For the Moments I Feel Faint” go like this:

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

For me personally, I don’t think I’m searching for a confidence lost as much as confidence at last.

Confidence I’m loved just as I am.

Confidence in myself to say ‘yes’ some of the time and ‘no’ others.

Confidence happiness does not come from things.

Of course I know all this conceptually…it’s my heart that needs to do the catching up.

Overcoming these obstacles is not, for me, overcoming a fear of failure, it’s a fear of success. Sounds silly doesn’t it? Because then what? What happens when I do the hard, ugly, messy self work?

The chains just might be broken. I might just feel free. (Is it ironic that I’m listening to “Free Fallin” by Tom Petty right now?)

I believe in balance; I don’t think it’s at all inappropriate to treat myself now and then, even splurge on occasion. My battle is drawing the line in the sand between once and a while and a way of life. To employ wisdom with each situation versus living by hard and fast rules. Which by the way is so much more difficult than it sounds. Sometimes I envy the early Jewish community-they had it all laid out before them, right down to how to plant the fields and what sort of cloth to wear. In some ways it would be so much easier to have it all in black and white. Yes, going out to diner two times a week is okay but three is too many. Or, one pair of earrings, yes. Three, no.

I celebrate this journey. No one is going to get it right one hundred percent of the time, I know. Keeping that in mind, I don’t feel like that gives me permission to sit back and coast either. I’ll succeed and I’ll fail. This is just one of many attempts to examine the dark rooms of my soul, shine the light and have a look around.

At the end of the day I know I am loved despite my imperfections, and at the same time I seek to live the way of Jesus, who lived perfectly. Aren’t paradoxes great?

And so it goes…one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Paralyzed

I know it’s still six weeks away, but I’m already feeling the pressures and anxieties of returning home. It’s a hybrid of excitement and hesitation to re-enter a world and a way of life which seems so foreign. Life is pretty simple here. I don’t drive, I barely make use of the cell phone I have and “going out” doesn’t extend much beyond the clinic, church and occasional the market excursion. Add onto that, I’ve been living on $100 a month, most of which is given to others. When I started thinking about itemized expenses I’ll need to attend to upon my return: cell phone, car, car insurance, gas, credit card, application fees, food, etcetera, I felt a little deer in the headlights.

It’s quite possible I’m thinking about all of this way too soon and it just might be better if I stayed in the here and now. But it’s going to come up eventually. And as I see it there’s no preferred or convenient time to work through this stuff. No better time than the present, right?

The problem I face is not so much about having money to pay for said items, as it is parting with money, period. Thinking about how little one needs to live here contrasted with how much it takes to live there has my stomach in knots. They’re what I used to refer to as “basic expenses”, those things that keep me in the race with everyone else. I would hear people, including myself, talk about how disgusting our consumer driven society is and yet, in the same breath fail to recognize we are the consumers of that phrase. It’s much easier to blame a nameless, faceless system. We talk about how heart breaking it is that one third of the world lives on less than a two dollars a day and then in the same breath (if you’re me) think about when you’re due for your next upgrade on your phone. I might felt a little guilty at first, but hey, at least I have a Razor…and I feel cool. Everyone has to have a cell phone, right? And everyone has to have a car. How many people do you know who don’t have a computer and the internet? These things are not even questioned; it’s assumed everyone in “this day and age” has the staples, the “basics”. Whereas in the majority of the world it’s simply not so.

And that’s just one side of this ugly coin. There’s a whole other conversation when you start to think about how much we spend on entertainment, recreation and leisure. I’ve noticed in my own life such expenditures usually follow the statement, “We should get together…” immediately followed by, “What do you want to do?” as if spending time with people automatically implies spending money. Oh, I don’t know, let’s see a movie. Or, let’s grab dinner later. Or, how about we go for coffee?

There’s so much pressure to keep up this pace and it’s exhausting. Makes me anxious just thinking about it.

Gandhi in all his wisdom once said, “We must be the change we seek”. It’s warm and fuzzy in theory but it reality it’s like going to battle. It’s totally uphill when you think about all that influences you. First, there’s the radio, which of course has all the latest new songs, which (again if you’re me) causes you to take mental pause to remember to look that up later and download it from iTunes. I mere ninety-nine cents a song is all; keeping in mind that was half a child’s income for the day in a sweatshop in India. Then later when you turn on the tv, you’re reminded of the 352 ways to spend your time aside from watching the show you’ve tuned in for. Go see that new movie that’s coming out. Swing by Red Lobster for that sizzling new deal on jumbo shrimp. Go to the mall and check out the Big Red Sale going on now only at JC Penny’s. And if that’s not bad enough, we’re walking advertisements to each other. Hey where’d you get that cute sweater? Oh, got it on sale at Target. And what about those earrings? Well, there’s this cute little shop downtown…

Yes friends, I’m paralyzed. There are so many things I’m excited for, namely being able spend time with (via phone or in the flesh) my favorite people and yet there are so many things about going back that cause me to pause and say, gross. How do I reconcile these two worlds? I’m not even home yet and I already feel the pressures of playing the part. I don’t want to be one of five fish swimming up stream. Why? Because it’s hard work! And let’s be honest, it’s much easier to just give in and go with the flow. Not saying I will, not saying I won’t, I’m just sayin…only time will tell.

What $100 Can D0

I watched a couple surgeries the other day. Dr. Akwaras had come to me earlier that week and told me about a woman he met during a consultation who needed to have her appendix removed. When the group from my church came over they brought with them some monetary donations from some friends of mine. I told Dr. Akwaras shortly there after to keep his eyes out for ways the money could go to good use, knowing there were more than enough people who needed such help. This particular case was $100. Dr. Akwaras doesn’t charge any surgeon fees, so the money strictly covers the costs of the OR, utensils and drugs, both anesthesia and post op. Most times Dr. Akwaras, in addition to providing his services free of charge, will pay the hospital fees etcetera out of his own pocket. Amazing isn’t it?

The ‘hospital’ was on the ground floor of what looked like a strip mall off the street. The operating room was something else, like we were walking into an abandoned warehouse, but it was actually the OR. Sanitary is certainly not the first word that came to mind. More like, seriously? A couple of mosquitoes buzzing overhead. Two of four fluorescents flickering above us. An operating table that looked like something straight out of a MASH episode, complete with wooden slats inserted on either side of the table for the patient’s arms to rest on. Which by the way didn’t do a whole lot of good after the patient had her anesthesia, they were flopping all over the place. Her OR gown, was a dark forest green, with a couple of holes here and there. There is very little use of “disposable items” such as paper gowns here. They can’t afford such luxuries. Only the basics. The mask I was wearing smelled like it had been sitting in a dust pile for heaven knows how long. The instruments came wrapped in checkered cloth with masking tape wrapped around it. At one point in the middle of the surgery the lights went out. Can you imagine? Laying on an operating table and boom, power’s out. “Hold that thought doctor, shouldn’t be long before we get the generator going…” Incredible. All that to say it was quite an experience. And yet the job was done and done well. Without the fancy equipment, the monitors, the team of doctors and nurses. Even without light at one point. It’s not that these things wouldn’t be nice to have, I’m sure they would jump at the chance to update their archaic equipment. But at the end of the day surgeries need to be done. A lot of them actually. So what do you do? You do the best with what you have and pray God takes care of the rest.

Getting Close

Or at least it feels like it’s getting close. One of my best good friends, Stephen will be coming out the 2^nd of March staying until the 10^th of April, also the day I’ll be leaving, just incase anyone was wondering…

So as I said before, I’m “teaching computer” which in all actually means I teach typing. I would say over 90% (and I’m being generous) of people at Faith Alive don’t know how to type. A fun little factoid about me: I HATED typing as a kid. I hated typing class, I hated typing exercises, I hated everything that had to do with typing. And now I’m teaching it. Talk about your ironic circumstances.

So anyways, I went to meet my first appointment of the morning at 10:00 sharp. It was only hour later that realized she wasn’t coming. Checked on her later that day, she got caught up doing something else and forgot about it. No problem I thought, I got some nice reading in (I’ve smartened up from previous no-show experiences) At 11:30 when I hadn’t seen the next person who was scheduled I thought, the heck with it, I’m leaving. On my way out I ran into him. “Oh, was that this morning? I thought it was in the after noon.” No no, it was this morning. I’ve discovered there’s a lot of initial excitement about learning computer/typing, but not a lot in the way of follow through. There have been a handful that have come as scheduled, but most my experiences have looked something like my morning.

So, after all that I decided I would do something ‘productive’ and swing by Blessing’s shop and have her walk me to the market to return a faulty DVD. I wasn’t expecting super high quality it was $4 after all. On the way to the market, there’s this street that’s lined with wagons and makeshift tables and carts over flowing with pirated, I mean, totally legal and legitimately made, DVD’s. The guy who sold it to me said I could bring it back to him if it didn’t work. This was after a very long and extensive conversation about why I had doubts the cover with Chinese symbols was going to play in English. Turns out the guy “wasn’t around”, at least that’s what the guys standing next to his booth said, “You can come back tomorrow” You bet I will. At least I got a nice walk out of the deal. You see all sorts of interesting things on foot that you might miss from a car window. But mostly you’re dodging cars and motor bikes. Number one, there seems to be no official rules of the road, or none that are closely followed anyway. Number two, they just don’t look where they’re going. I’ve had some pretty close calls with both car and motorbike alike.

Post lunch I had two more appointments back at the clinic. I had seen both of them earlier in the morning so I was feeling pretty confident they wouldn’t be standing me up. Sure enough, at exactly the stroke of 2:00 Dauda was waiting for me, all smiles. And then an hour after that, there was good ‘ol Alex, who, by the way, has never touched a computer in his life. I’ve been doing a lot of deep breathing with that one. Until next time, A-S-D-F-G space, H-J-K-L-; space.

It's Been a While

As many of you may already know, a group of eight (plus a few others) from my church were in Jos the last week and a half. There aren’t enough words to say what a much needed visit it was. Seriously. For the last couple of days I’ve been adjusting back into life in Jos sans peeps. I knew it was going to be hard, just not this hard.

Yesterday I started helping out at a special needs school not too far from Faith Alive called Open Doors, working with kids who have disabilities. One of the gals on the team was/is an occupational therapist and worked on a handful of the kids out there. I shadowed her for a couple days, got a crash course in child development and BAM! I’m now serving as a stand-in OT. Let’s just talk about how much patience is required to work with kids in general, and then you add on to that kids with disabilities.

When I’m not at Open Doors I’m going to be doing computer training with the staff at the clinic. With the long term goal to go electronic, it’s no surprise beefing up computer competency amongst the staff is at the top of the priority list. I don’t consider myself a computer guru by any means, but with most people I’m literally saying, “This is a mouse; this is what it means to double click; this is how you save a document, this is how you create a folder; etc.” For others it’s a little more advanced, like “This is Google, this is how you perform a search” Hmmm, yet another lesson in patience. Is God trying to tell me something?