Paralyzed

I know it’s still six weeks away, but I’m already feeling the pressures and anxieties of returning home. It’s a hybrid of excitement and hesitation to re-enter a world and a way of life which seems so foreign. Life is pretty simple here. I don’t drive, I barely make use of the cell phone I have and “going out” doesn’t extend much beyond the clinic, church and occasional the market excursion. Add onto that, I’ve been living on $100 a month, most of which is given to others. When I started thinking about itemized expenses I’ll need to attend to upon my return: cell phone, car, car insurance, gas, credit card, application fees, food, etcetera, I felt a little deer in the headlights.

It’s quite possible I’m thinking about all of this way too soon and it just might be better if I stayed in the here and now. But it’s going to come up eventually. And as I see it there’s no preferred or convenient time to work through this stuff. No better time than the present, right?

The problem I face is not so much about having money to pay for said items, as it is parting with money, period. Thinking about how little one needs to live here contrasted with how much it takes to live there has my stomach in knots. They’re what I used to refer to as “basic expenses”, those things that keep me in the race with everyone else. I would hear people, including myself, talk about how disgusting our consumer driven society is and yet, in the same breath fail to recognize we are the consumers of that phrase. It’s much easier to blame a nameless, faceless system. We talk about how heart breaking it is that one third of the world lives on less than a two dollars a day and then in the same breath (if you’re me) think about when you’re due for your next upgrade on your phone. I might felt a little guilty at first, but hey, at least I have a Razor…and I feel cool. Everyone has to have a cell phone, right? And everyone has to have a car. How many people do you know who don’t have a computer and the internet? These things are not even questioned; it’s assumed everyone in “this day and age” has the staples, the “basics”. Whereas in the majority of the world it’s simply not so.

And that’s just one side of this ugly coin. There’s a whole other conversation when you start to think about how much we spend on entertainment, recreation and leisure. I’ve noticed in my own life such expenditures usually follow the statement, “We should get together…” immediately followed by, “What do you want to do?” as if spending time with people automatically implies spending money. Oh, I don’t know, let’s see a movie. Or, let’s grab dinner later. Or, how about we go for coffee?

There’s so much pressure to keep up this pace and it’s exhausting. Makes me anxious just thinking about it.

Gandhi in all his wisdom once said, “We must be the change we seek”. It’s warm and fuzzy in theory but it reality it’s like going to battle. It’s totally uphill when you think about all that influences you. First, there’s the radio, which of course has all the latest new songs, which (again if you’re me) causes you to take mental pause to remember to look that up later and download it from iTunes. I mere ninety-nine cents a song is all; keeping in mind that was half a child’s income for the day in a sweatshop in India. Then later when you turn on the tv, you’re reminded of the 352 ways to spend your time aside from watching the show you’ve tuned in for. Go see that new movie that’s coming out. Swing by Red Lobster for that sizzling new deal on jumbo shrimp. Go to the mall and check out the Big Red Sale going on now only at JC Penny’s. And if that’s not bad enough, we’re walking advertisements to each other. Hey where’d you get that cute sweater? Oh, got it on sale at Target. And what about those earrings? Well, there’s this cute little shop downtown…

Yes friends, I’m paralyzed. There are so many things I’m excited for, namely being able spend time with (via phone or in the flesh) my favorite people and yet there are so many things about going back that cause me to pause and say, gross. How do I reconcile these two worlds? I’m not even home yet and I already feel the pressures of playing the part. I don’t want to be one of five fish swimming up stream. Why? Because it’s hard work! And let’s be honest, it’s much easier to just give in and go with the flow. Not saying I will, not saying I won’t, I’m just sayin…only time will tell.